
I don’t want to sit here and say that no one on Earth is more American than us, but you would be hard pressed to find a group of people that put more time and effort into celebrating all that is American this weekend. Sure you may have had a cookout, and perhaps you even got clever and found an mp3 of Jimi Hendrix playing the Star Spangled Banner. Hey, good for you. I’m willing to bet you might have even organized a game of wiffleball, congratulations, seriously I mean it. But let me tell you how it went down in Lynn MA.
First of all, forget that stupid wiffleball crap. Real Americans play kickball.
Where did you go to pick your teams? The dining room? The Kitchen? Maybe a local dive bar?… We went to Foxwoods and had a pro style draft complete with a war room.
And you can keep you’re Jimi Hendrix version of the Star Spangled Banner (although it is incredible), we decided to go with Bill Pullman’s Epic speech from Independence Day to begin our opening ceremonies… And I haven’t even begun to stroke my ego.
How did you decide the home team? You flipped a coin? Thats cool. We had a 60 beer case race, for home field and a 3 run lead right off the bat. No big deal.
You’re kidding? You guys even got to drink beer in the field. Whoa. Our game features a rule that allows the base runner to count as an extra run for each additional beer he/she drinks. 5 beers on base = 5 runs.
Our team physician was a bottle of Dr. Mcgillicuddy, and everyone got seriously injured.
The team names were Rocky vs. Rambo.
The kickballs were red and blue.
Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” was played 11 times.
One kid dressed up as Billy Mays.
There was a motivational pregame speech given about hotdogs.
At one point apprx. 19 kids threw up simultaneously.
At no point was there ever a threat of terrorism.
After the game, we paraded through the streets in our Rocky vs. Rambo uniforms, with a banner honoring America and “Eye of the Tiger” on the radio.
And thats about it…
Except for the party we had that night hi-lighted by a game called Muscle Beach where a contestant shoots a Basketball from a porch and if they miss a mob of 10-20 people chant “Muscle Beach” all the way over to a weight bench where said contestant will do reps on the bench press while chugging beer and other assorted mixed drinks simultaneously… Ohh, and this was just on the 3rd of July…
If anyone thinks they can top the start to my weekend let me know, I could use a good laugh.
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